Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
