duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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