Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
