when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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