Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
