haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
