I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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