maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
