I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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