I'm so fucking centered right now
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
