dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
