she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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