I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
