Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
only if we run a train.
done.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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