sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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