I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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