watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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