I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
