3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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