she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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