If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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