i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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