I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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