dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
