puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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