someone threw a dead crab at me
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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