You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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