Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
