She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
