I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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