I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
