i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
