I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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