3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
