On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
