with your own penis?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Im part way to drunk.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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