it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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