I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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