Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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