Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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