She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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