Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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