My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
