Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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