Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
