I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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