I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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