the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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