Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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