Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
