I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
50% drunk capacity currently
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
