also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
